Finding faith in pain

Here I am with a new injury added onto the other two I am dealing with, chronic pain, a failed surgery and feeling depressed. These circumstances would normally be enough to have me spiral out of control and then give into my emotions, but my faith is not in my circumstances. My faith is finally in God and his promises where it belongs. Don’t get me wrong, I feel every bit of my situation, the good, the bad and the ugly feelings. God is bigger than all of it though. A wonderful friend once told me, “how you feel, is NOT who you are.” She is right, God tells us who we are, not our feelings.

As I prepared to go back to the Doctor to tell him the radio-frequency neurotomy(burning the nerve endings off) didn’t work, I felt scared, disappointed and just tired of the pain. I worried about being able to afford the only other option, Prolotherapy, which is not covered by the OHIP. And since this other procedure failed, does that mean Prolotherapy is even an option now? Will I have to continue living with three injuries? The original back injury is permanent, will this new back injury be permanent too? And what about my hip injury, there is no guarantee that it can be fixed even with the surgery I will eventually have, will I live with three permanent injuries? Your thoughts and worries can take over so quickly. Although these are all valid concerns, I stopped myself. I remembered where my faith was. I decided to trust, I gave my worries over to God and knew that whatever the news was, God was in control and he is faithful.

I arrived to my appointment with one of my extremely supportive and amazing friends who has been to almost every single appointment through this journey. The Doctor began by examining the sites of my last procedure and I informed him that I had no relief. All I wanted to hear was that the Prolotherapy is an option, as far as the money for it went, I would figure it out somehow. He told me that not only is it an option but that he wants to do the procedure for my SI joints, and also my upper back and neck, all areas I have been having a lot of problems with as well due to being so unaligned because of the injuries. Wow! Such great news! So he is going to perform Prolotherapy in stages, first deal with my SI joints which will be a 6 week process and then I will need to do this all again for my upper back and then neck. Awesome! So I asked him to give me the cost I was looking at for all of this. He started out by reminding me that the Government will not cover a penny of the amount, it would be at least $4000. I don’t have that kind of money! Before another thought could come in, he said the most beautiful word I could have heard…BUT. But? But what? He continued on, saying that just that morning, before my appointment, his clinical staff and investors had a meeting about Prolotherapy. They voted and decided that they were no longer going to charge their patients for this life changing procedure! All I would need to pay is $50 per session for the medication they inject, so at very most for getting all of this done it would be no more than $600. I looked over at my friend and we both just sat silent and cried. WOW! God has a way of going above and beyond when we trust him. After thanking the Doctor as many times as I could, we left the office in tears. This was the first time I’ve left that office in tears of joy and not from the tears of a painful test or procedure. My friend and I just sat in her car in disbelief for a few minutes and cried tears of joy, hope and Gods unfailing love.

Less than a month after this wonderful day, I went in for my first Prolotherapy procedure. November 1 was my first of 6 rounds, over a 6 week period, of injections to hopefully fix my SI joint permanently. Last weeks procedure caused me the most pain I have ever had to endure in all the tests, surgeries and procedures I have ever done. Since the painful injections that day I have been doing ok, the recovery has not been too bad and I am now back in my “normal” pain with some additional tenderness. Mentally it has been tough I can’t lie. This season has been very long and adding any more pain is almost intolerable. Thankfully I don’t have to do this is my strength, because I couldn’t. Even though I may feel weak, God is there to hold me up. Today is November 8 and I am going in for round 2! This time they will give me an IV before the procedure to help me cope better through it, I’ve never been so excited to get an extra needle!

I’ve learned that God is never late. This whole situation has been in his perfect timing. I still have a very long road ahead of me with no guarantees of anything, other than pain, but I also have hope, and the assurance of God’s promises. It has been a long journey to get to this point and I continue to learn new things each day and to push myself in new ways. I will continue to share openly and honestly, the good and the bad. Sometimes it takes the hard times, the seemingly impossible to deal with storms of life, for us to find our strength and identity. I have found none of this in myself, but i have found all of this and so much more in Christ. He is hope, he is love, he is faith, he is mercy, he is grace, he is redeemer, he is joy, he is all of those things that I was not capable of understanding without him. This storm is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:1-5

Tall Jen

One thought on “Finding faith in pain

  1. Beautiful Jen, I cried with you when you got the great news. God is so good at surprising us just when we need it most. Praying for more wonderful ‘suddenlies’ for you as you continue this journey. He’s got you in the palm of his hand. xo

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